I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
