ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
