Yo dont text me then not text me
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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