I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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