it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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