Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
