There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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