all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
