so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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