Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
