i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
