I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we're making bets on your personal life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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