4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
a search helicopter?!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
