WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
