I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
