Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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