My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
