Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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