Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
