I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
