i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
