I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
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Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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