My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
