dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
