so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
