The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
