I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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