So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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