Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
