i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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