A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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