I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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