I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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