My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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