Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
