Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
