It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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