you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
