I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
