The maid of honor just puked.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
