the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I want a musical about memes.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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