We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
