i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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