I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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