look no pants
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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