Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
