he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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