Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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