I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
