FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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