I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
