My sheets look like a crime scene.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
