She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
