my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What a dumb baby whore.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
